Memories, I begin to think back about peanut butter and shaving cream fights, buttering bread with our tongues and drinking hands behind our backs out of bowls all while the timer clicked away. Rooms designed for Barbie Princesses, with all our hopes and plans mapped out, number of kids, husband, home, car, career all endless possibilites. Pinching, tickling, bicycle races in bed, songs we sang, clubs we joined, craftes we made, my memories are so sweet.

Then I remember red and blistered by the sun, being pushed down the stairs, forced to smoke, being punched and choked, yelled at and made to feel less than. Men with uncontrolled eyes and hand, feelings of desperation and emptiness, feeling filthy and not worthy of Love, believed this was what I deserved, Dreams of parents fighting, parents hitting, parents drinking, kept me wondering and unable to determine the reality of the situations.

Shattered, scattered pieces of my life, swept away by long crying nights. Only seven but in control, always calm, always ready to take care, to mend, and to bring together. My feelings of responsiblity crippled me, overwhelmed my chance to be a child. So many hurting people! Feelings of being not good enough for anyone not even me, still haunt my thoughts.

And in these times, I remember the sweet. The day the littlest sister cried in my arms and felt I was her mom, the lawn mower surfing, the paths in the leaves, cooking for my mom as she was asleep. Family trips to the cheese country, long rides to Missouri, time with the people I love and cherish.

These thoughts bring me joy and sadness, sorrow and hope, for I now know God was with me and I was never alone. He brought my husband and through all our trials and tribulations. He has made me focus on the healer and redeemer of all people. Christ. His focus and love I have come to unravel makes me smile on my past and it all brings me laughter. He has held me. He has shaped me, and He has taught me that I am worthy. This is my story, this is my song... This is my "Hope Community."